SCHOOL

• If you're a high school student in a film, you will always get one of the preferable eye-level lockers.
• In all high school or college classrooms, the teacher or professor will always be interrupted in mid-sentence by the end-of-class bell.
• In every school, there is at least one nerd or wimp that is shoved into lockers that are big enough to hold them.
• High Schools are always either in the middle of a city or a car ride away from the beach.

SEX

• All beds have a special L-shaped top sheet, which reaches up to armpit level on women but only to waist level on men.
• No-one ever needs a kleenex after sex.
• If you're a woman in a film and have just finished a steamy lovemaking session, make sure to lay back and pull the sheets up to your neck, just like in real life.
• All women moan during sex, but none sweat.
• Women (and men less often) either make love with their underclothes on or have put them back on in the immediate aftermath.
• Two total strangers, upon falling into bed together, will always reach an incredibly intense, mutual, and SIMULTANEOUS orgasm on the first try.

SHOPPING

• When bringing home bags of groceries in a film, it's required that you spill at least one bagful on the kitchen floor.
• Bags of groceries are never heavy.
• Whenever anyone in a movie goes shopping, they always come back with stuff sticking out of the top of the shopping bag, usually carrot tops and French bread.
• Corollary: every shopping bag contains at least one baguette (loaf of french bread).

SIGNALS

• If the tapping sound or flashing light represents morse code, there's always someone around that can interpret the message.
• When Morse Code is used, the interpreter will call out words as they are being sent, rather than letters. Furthermore, a single word is represented by a few "beeps", and all words are sent at the same rate, no matter how long the word is. Example:
  beep-beep-be-beep...
  "Help..."
  be-be-beep beep...
  "Us..."
  beep-be-be-beep beep...
  "We're..."
  beep beep-be-beep...
  "Surrounded..."
  be-beep beep beep...
  "Send..."
  be-be-be-beep beep...
  "Reinforcements..."
  beep be-beep beep...
  "Hurry..."
  etc.
  
• A message in Morse Code will start several seconds before someone actually interprets it; however, no information is lost, as the message actually begins when the interpreter starts to read it.

SKYDIVING

• You got plenty of time up there, often a couple of minutes.
• You can almost talk casually to all your skydiving friends on the way down.
• If you don't have a parachute, just cling on to someone who has got one and don't let go until you're down.

SMOKING

• Smokers smoke only when there is a romantic or dramatic reason to. At other times the smoker has no need of cigarettes.

SPACE & VACUUM

• Explosions in space make noise
• Exposure to vacuum makes you horribly swell up and/or explode within seconds (ex. "Total Recall", "Outland")
• There's a deep humming in space, no doubt about it.
• Space is not Newtonian; spacecraft can't 'coast', but just stop dead if they run out of fuel or power.
• Laser beams are visible in vacuum.

SPACESHIPS

• Spaceships make noise!
• Spaceships always fly perpendicular to the same axis. When two spacecraft encounter each other, they're always aligned on a plane and never approach at odd angles.
• All spaceships, no matter how small, have internal artifical gravity and no matter how badly your ship gets pummeled by the evil aliens in the evil alien ship, no matter how many external panels get blown away, no matter how many sparks or how much smoke pours out of your control panels, the artificial gravity will always keep working.
• There are tiny cameras mounted everywhere, on every panel, in your spaceship. No matter what happens anywhere int eh ship, you will always be able to ask the computer to replay the scene for you later (even if the computer went up in smoke) and unlike those blurry convenience store cameras, your tiny ship cameras always capture everyone's actions at eye-level with perfect lighting.
• Warp or hyper-drive will always fail at critical moments.
• Inertial dampers will always prevent passengers from being plastered against the walls during acceleration into warp speed, yet any explosion will send passengers reeling across the room.
• In a spaceship battle scene, for a ship to fire a weapon at another, it must be in visual range. Even though the 20th century saw the advent of weapons that can be fired without visual contact, the people of the future have lost this technology.

SPORTS

• In any type of sport movie, a player on the field can look up into a crowd of 1 billion and immediately spot their loved one.

STAIRS

• Whenever anyone is chased to a staircase, s/he will run upstairs rather than down.

SUSPENSE

• In any movie where "something" has happened and villagers come to look at it, they always decide to "go for help". The most expendable member of the group is left to "keep an eye on it", and supplied with a weapon or signaling device "in case something happens". Said member ALWAYS responds: "What could happen?" This is a certain signal that he will die, gruesomely, within 2 minutes.

TEENAGERS

• The walls of a teenager's bedroom or a twentyish adult's apartment are always highly decorated, beyond anything sane, with every available inch of space covered with something cool.
• A movie teenager will always have a drainpipe situated next to his or her window. This drainpipe will be specially reinforced to hold their weight on escape.

TIME

• Movie timing is always exact. If a phone trace will take two minutes, for example, you can be sure that that means 120 seconds, not a fraction more or less. Same for bombs, amount of time to get to a destination, etc.
• Corollary to the above: all characters in a movie have their watches perfectly synchronized.

TRAFFIC

• When a main character has to cross the street (in one of the slower parts of the movie), he/she can always cross the street immediately. Of course, he/she jogs across in order to miss the one car that drives by after they cross.
• If there is traffic, then that means that the movie is at a more intense part (like a chase scene) in which case there are a lot of cars that crash into each other. None of the important characters get hurt, the accident is never heard on the news, and nobody sues anybody important. Very few people even get out of their cars, and yet, no airbags are to be seen.

TRAVEL

• Transportation always arrives and leaves on time.
• Characters arrive at the airport and get *right on the plane*. They must have the best timing of any people on Earth - I always have wait around for a while before boarding. (Not to mention getting a boarding pass and the "arrive 15 minutes before departure or you lose your seat" clause of most airlines. Good thing movie airlines never overbook!)
• Movie characters' suitcases are always weightless when they have to carry them.
• In emergencies, anyone can pick up flying a helicopter.
• Movie characters never suffer from motion sickness.

TREES

• Whichever tree branch the hero has perched on, the villain will invariably pause under.

VILLAINS

• The bad guy is the foreigner.
• Corollary: the foreigner is the guy who speaks English with an English accent
• The bad guy also has a side-kick muscleman, who has some sort of trademark gimmick that he/she uses to eliminate opponents. You must kill or decomission this muscleman by forcing a backfiring of this trademarked gimmick. If the muscleman dispatched by a different method, he/she is not dead. (For that matter, don't assume that anyone is dead unless their death was spectacular. Beware sequels.)
• No matter how dead you think you've killed a bad guy, he can still get up at least 3 more times. Therefore, always make sure to leave his gun in or near his hand after you've killed him and you turn away to comfort the girl.
• When a villain seems dead, he never is. He will always be allowed one, and sometimes two resurrections. The hero will frequently see him coming, even if his back is turned. If he doesn't, a friend will finish the villain off.
• The bad guy usually kills his henchman for failing, yet don't seem to run out of loyal henchmen.
• Bad guys lurk until their presence is revealed by a flash of lightning.
• You can kill the bad guy by taking careful note of any object that the camera has lingered on for an unnecessarly length of time; typically this is something like a meathook or a jagged bit of glass. You will be involved in a mighty struggle, and at the appropriate time you can become inspired (usually by either an insult from the bad guy or a look of faith from your love interest) with strength enough to force the bad guy into/onto/under/in front of the aforementioned object. Actor's Equity (Hollywood) requires that within 15 seconds either side of the bad guy's demise, you utter your trademark phrase.
• Whenever a villian has captured the hero, he will pause for 5 minutes to tell the hero _every_ detail of his plan to destroy and/or rule the earth, including times, dates, and addresses.
• The bad guy, having finally gotten the good guy into his clutches, will usually spend a few meglomaniac minutes gloating over his victory and his opponent's downfall. This increment of time will prove just enough to allow the good guy to figure a way out of his predicament, or just long enough to allow a rescue attempt.
• The bad guy, instead of simply offing the captured good guy on the spot, will devise some sort of drawn-out, fiendishly clever method of execution that will take enough time to allow the good guy to figure out his escape.
• When a villain seems dead, he never is. He will always be allowed one, and sometimes two resurrections. The hero will frequently see him coming, even if his back is turned. If he doesn't, a friend will finish the villain off.
• You can always tell which nationality the United States and the popular media are currently most unhappy with because that nation sends all their villains to star in Hollywood movies during those times (e.g. Germans in the late 40's and 50's, Asians in the 60's and 70's, Soviets in the 70's and 80's and Middle Easterners in the 90's).

WAR

• You're very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
• Every army platoon has at least one, usually black, member who can play the harmonica.
• All G.I.s know how to make a still out of a jeep radiator.
• If a soldier tries to look up an old buddy who was transfered to different unit, the buddy will be dead, or will die shortly there after.
• If a main character dies, his sweetheart back home will have nightmare at that exact same moment
• New replacements always get killed before you can even learn their names.
• The hero's weapon is always different from everyone elses.
• Every unit has a "Scrounge" who can get you anything from an atomic bomb to a date with the general's daughter for a bottle of cheap scotch, or vice-versa.
• The platoon sargeant never has a grenade on him, so he always asks someone else for the grenade, then pulls the pin out with his teeth. (which will usually cause you to lose teeth before extracting the pin!)
• Everyone who joins an Airborne (parachute) outfit doesn't understand why anyone would jump out of perfectly good airplane.
• Elite units (Special Forces, Rangers, Commandos) are always recruited from convicts and other socially degenerate segments of society.
• Elite units are always considered expendable even though they cost much much more to train and maintain.
• Roger, wilco -- over and out. nuff said. Radio transmission are always improper.
• The German Army always uses U. S. Patton Tanks.
• Cannons, howitzers, and main tank guns NEVER recoil, unless its old documentary footage.
• The battle hardened vet will always fall on a grenade for the new guy, rather than picking up the grenade and throwing it away, or jumping out of the fox hole.
• Fox holes never have overhead protection, or grenade pits.
• Only the "Japs" and the "VC" bother to use booby traps.
• German soldier always wear grey uniforms and jack-boots, though these uniforms were pretty much pahsed out by mid 1943.
• SS soldiers always wear there dress black uniform.
• The British Army is only allowed to fight in North Africa, and even then only elite forces other than the LRDG and SAS are allowed to fight.
• Only the Marines fought the war in the Pacific. No Army personnel were involved.
• The military hero always carries a special knife with an 11 inch + blade and a hollow handle with all sorts of gadgets. (most soldiers stick with the standard bayonet [6 in blade], Marine Corps Fighting knife[7 in blade], or airforce[5 1/2 in blade] survival knife. None have hollow handles because hollow handles break too easily)
• Snipers always know exactly where someone will pop there head out of trench and soldiers in trenches never use mirrors or periscopes, like they did in World War One.
• Any kid, or dog for that matter can wonder around through an artillery barrage and not get killed while half the outfit will alway get wiped out.
• No one will shoot the hero and the battle will even come to a stand still while the hero cries in agony and curse that "it should've been him" when his best friend steps on the land mine/get blown up/ dies charging the machine gun nest. The battle will resume as soon as the hero gets over his grief and gets angry. The hero will be victorious within 45 seconds of becoming angry.
• Any machine gun nest can be approached from behind without dificulty, but not until half the unit has been wiped out.
• Soldiers will ask for keys for military vehicles eventhough these vehicles dont use keys.
• If soldiers start to eat/drink/change socks/go to the bathroom, they will get orders to move out immediately.
• Soldiers will always make a comment about the food, usually something along the line of "I stepped in it but I've never ate it" or "if we feed this to the "krauts" we'd win the war tomorrow".
• Soldiers and sailors must have at least on bar room brawl usually followed by a scene where they come to each others mutual aid the next day.
• There has to be a scene involving giving chocolate to children or nylons/cigarettes to women in a WW II movie. The soldiers never try to take advantage of the situation by asking for sexual favors in return.
• There is also an obligatory scene where a soldier reads a travel brochure about beautiful Italy/Germany/France/Guam/ while the camera pans across the blown up country side.
• If the travel guide scene is omitted, you'll be treated with the scene where a soldier comments about how nice everything looks, too bad there's a war going on, he's going to come back when this is all over. He'll be shot by a sniper shortly after this scene.

WEAPONS

• Major characters never run out of ammunition, nor do they ever have to reload. (If the movie _does_ make them reload, they never have to actually carry any spare ammo until that scene)
• Guns never run out of ammunition unless escape would be otherwise impossible.
• The first shot or burst of fire from a bad guy _always_ misses, and is there just to announce that a fight will be taking place.
• Bad-guy hand grenades make noise and smoke, but no real damage; good-guy hand grenades are devastating but selective; they will destroy tanks, but won't hurt the thrower, even if he drops one on his toe. Bad-guy grenades used by good guys become good-guy grenades, and _vice versa_.
• When the villain runs out of bullets, he'll throw away his gun. When the hero does so, he'll conveniently come across another.
• Machine guns submerged underwater for a long time won't jam or misfire when the hero pops up to use them. (see any Rambo movie)
• A cigarette case/lighter in the shirt pocket will always block the bullet.
• When the hero faces a ridiculously large number of shooters with high powered weapons, they will all miss after several shots. Then, the hero will pulls out this gun that looks like a toy and start picking off the bad guys from half a mile away, usually hitting them in the forehead.
• People always pump out a few (probably used) shotgun shells at each corner when chasing someone.
• When people aim a rifle with binocular-sight at someone on a very long distance, they manage to keep them in the bull's-eye all the time even if they move around.
• When faced with dozens of armed opponents, the good guy will show up and appear to be shot, perhaps dozens of times. He will fall down, and presumably be dead, but will later miraculously turn out to have had the foresight to wear a bulletproof vest, armor plating, or even a silver tray to protect his torso (Batman). No one will ever shoot him in the head, where he is unprotected. Afterwards, instead of learning from his extremely good fortune, he throws his protection away, confident that the same situation cannot recur in his movie.
• When superheroes like Batman or Robocop use high technology to protect themselves, the bad guys never take advantage of obvious weaknesses, such as no face protection.
• Characters shot with guns will fly backward, or upward and backward, through the air - the laws of physics notwithstanding.
• Characters use silencers on revolvers... and it works.
• In 50% of action movies made after 1988, "Teflon Coated Cop Killer Bullets" will be referred to.
• No movie character will ever use or refer to a safety on any firearm.
• No movie character will ever use a .22-caliber weapon.
• The cowboy who exchanges a dozen shots with the bad guys without hitting one will nevertheless be able to hit and detonate a stick of dynamite from 150 feet away with a revolver on the first try.
• Once a character has flipped up the long range site on his rifle, he will always make his next shot.
• Bullets removed from shooting victims and displayed to the camera will not be misshapen in any way from the impact - and will sometimes still have the casing attached.
• Shots fired at the rear of a vehicle will cause the gas tank to explode.
• Shots fired at windshields never deflect; they always penetrate and hit the bad guy in the forehead. If the good guy is driving, he'll simply have to duck a little to avoid them.
• Shots fired at guys hiding around corners never whiz past; they always strike the edge of the building near the character's face.
• Shots fired in Westerns that do not hit a character always ricochet loudly.
• If there is a trough of water present in a Western gunfight scene, at least one shot will splash spectacularly in the water.
• Western characters are never shot in the legs while hiding behind wagons.
• No gun will ever jam or misfire after a quick-draw.
• In a duel or in a gunfight between two characters standing in a street, at least one charcter is always hit on the first exchange of gunfire.
• No debris will ever fall from a ceiling after a gun is fired upward into it.
• Shurrikens and thrown knives never miss, unless they pin a character's clothing to a wall or tree.
• Horses are never wounded in horseback gunfights.
• Assassins will always wait 'till the very last moment to assemble their complex sniper weapon (often a pistol the size of a rifle).
• Even weapons experts will freeze when confronted with a weapon which is not in firing condition-ie an un-cocked single action revolver or a submachine gun with its breech closed (also un-cocked). The person holding the gun must make several moves to fire the gun, and the adversary could just reach out and take the weapon, but the dropee just freezes even though often it is obvious that the cylinder is devoid of any ammo.
• Movie gunmen never lock and load their weapons when anticipating a life-or-death confrontation. Oh they have their weapons drawn, but not charged with a round in the chamber. They usually (always when carrying a pump-action shotgun) wait until they confront their quarry to slam a round into the chamber with a dramatic ca-chunking noise.
• Bullets, even though they are only pieces of lead-sometimes encased in copper, always make little explosions when they strike any kind of inanimate object.
• Photos of loved ones, religous medals, and bibles can stop bullets better than a bullet proof vest.
• All sub machine guns sound alike and have the same rate of fire
• NEW requirement: all automatic pistols must be held sideways in order to be fired.
• If you are a cowboy, aiming your rifle while using your horse as a support will always assure a first round hit.
• All aautomatic weapons must be cocked in order to be fired, but bolt action weapons can fire two or three times without being cocked!
• You can never un-jam a weapon by just pulling back the bolt and rechambering another round, 'though that will work 99 times out of 100 in real life.

WOMEN

• Women will always have shaved legs and armpits, even in caveman movies.
• Women will be worrying about their nails or dresses while people are trying to kill them. (see also CHASES)
• Women stand wide-eyed, hand to mouth, while hero battles villain. Women never thinks to clonk villain with handy object. Counterpoint: If woman does clonk, she always hits hero instead.
• Women always fight other movie women by pulling hair, falling to ground together, rolling over twice.
• High-powered female executives always wear miniskirts and five-inch heels to work
• Beautiful women will always fawn over an action hero, no matter what sexist remarks he makes to them.
• A female lead with feminist leanings will always despise a macho hero--until the first time he rescues her from certain death. She will then become totally conventional and dependent. Once she does this, the hero will become vulnerable and tell her about some tragic loss that will explain his belligerent attitude.
• Women wear make-up to bed, and wake up with hair and face completely intact.
• Women don't need to go to the bathroom when they get up but will shower frequently.
• If a woman is pregnant, she will deliver before the movie ends.
• Women also scream or make some other noise at the precise moment the villian is close enough to hear.
• Women always stand and watch the cars that are about to run them over, OR the bad-guys that are about to shoot them (even if there's cover close by).
• Strong (character/will) women are always macho, or bitchy.
• Women always stuff their fist(s) in their mouths when terrified.
• Women always have to be rescued by the hero, even if they're champion/ expert this or that.
• Women are always too hysterical to do what the hero instructs. He has to elp/force her/knock her out.

WOOD

• Heros and villains can successfully use wood, no matter how thin, as a safe shield against bullets of any caliber.
• When crossing a rotting suspended bridge, with well spaced wooden slats, the slat will always brake when a woman steps on it. Also, it is odd that the wood will rot away long before the vine ropes begin to rot!
• Little league teams in movie land still use bats made of wood while every other little league team is forced to use aluminum bats.

Next

Previous

Top

Index