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The Pretty Ultimate Glossary of
Computing
1,000
Due to a fundamental flaw in computer science, computers recognize
this number as 1024. While there are 1000 meters to the kilometer,
there are 1024 bytes to a kilobyte. This is widely accepted as
the reason nobody should prepare taxes on a computer.
See also: megameter, gigameter.
16-bit sound
A noise worth eight quarters or $2; proof that talk is cheap.
24-bit graphics file
A picture in digital format, valued at 12 quarters or $3. In other
currency, it's valued at 1000 (1024).
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Apple
The Beatles' publishing company.
AVI
[Acronym: Almost Video]
The Almost Video for the Windows file format. Usually takes up
a quarter of the PC monitor's real estate, runs at a quarter of
the speed of TV, and invariably eats up a quarter of your hard
disk space, it's not surprising that technical types refer to
AVI as a two-bit system.
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Bit
Past tense of byte.
Bit map
A map with a portion torn away by teeth.
BMP
[Acronym: Big Motherhubbard of a Picture]
A graphics file format devised by Microsoft to boost sales of
hard disks.
See also AVI, Windows.
Byte
Present tense of bit. Worth eight bits; proof of the longstanding
theory that the computer industry considers the present eight times
more valuable than the past.
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CD-ROM
[Acronym: Compact Disc - Rarely Oscar Material]
Material published by people who chose to use the computer
because they couldn't afford a late-night infomercial but could
afford a small ad in a computer magazine. Its driver doubles as
a cup holder.
CGA
[Acronym: Completely Grainy Appearance]
A PC monitor standard.
Client/Server
A byword for management success in Information Systems business
transactions. Servers impress clients by serving them fresh gourmet
coffee, creating the illusion that theirs is a company that pays
attention to the details that count.
Compu$erve
A series of networked minicomputers in Columbus, Ohio, served
by telephone carriers across the world in an infrastructure designed
in 1975. Its mission is to siphon money between two bank accounts:
from those who subscribe to those of H&R Block. See also:
CI$
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DOS
[Spanish: dos, two; French: dos, back]
Literally, the operating system with two backs. Believed to have
some link to cybersex.
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EGA
[Acronym: Extremely Grainy Appearance]
An IBM-compatible PC monitor standard
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FAQs
[pron. facks]
An international standard for transmitting words and pictures
(on paper) across telephone lines.
Fax
[pron. facks]
Frequently asked questions - a list prepared by technical staff
that addresses issues of concern to their subscribers.
FOOBAR
A cute misspelling of FUBAR, an acronym used as a mnemonic aid
for remembering the options in DOS's Format command: Format-U-Beyond-All-Recognition;
often shortened to FU and shouted in hacker bars.
FORMAT /U
A DOS command that performs an unconditional format. Also a dire
insult meaning "May your tracks and sectors be written over
to render them beyond all recognition."
Functionality
Essential component of any computer-related press release. Used
to add bulk and syllables to otherwise lightweight prose. Usage: "MicroGob
Expel 4.21 has enhanced functionality over version 4.2"
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Hard drive
A drive that's unusually difficult.
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IDE
The thirteenth or fifteenth of the month in the Roman calendar.
Avoid using IDE drives in March.
Information Superhighway
A government-sponsored code name for the Internet (see Clipper
Chip).
ISP
A type of snake popularized by Shakespeare in Anthony and Cleopatra.
The ISP in question brought the heroine to her death with a venomous
nip.
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Kilobyte
Terminal occlusion. Valued at 1000 (or 1024) bytes (or bits
if they happened in the past)
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Macintosh
Foul-weather ware.
Megabyte
Exceptionally large occlusion. Literally, 1000 (1024) kilobytes.
Modem
[Contraction: more of them]
The original computer multimedia device, used for two-player games.
Its combination of flashing lights and musical tones fit the 1970s
multimedia market nicely.
Multimedia
A 1970s entertainment phenomenon combining several slide projectors,
a laser show, live dancers, at least three synthesizers (preferably
played by one person), and a guitarist who thought he was Robert
Fripp.
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OCR
[Acronym: Only Caricatures Recognized]
A processor-intensive technology that uses a $1000 high-speed
sheetfeed scanner and a $3000 computer to read text almost as
well as a 6-year-old.
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Parity
Adjective applied by computer scientists to things that resemble
exotic birds. Like the term spam, its origins lie in a
Monty Python sketch, in this case, the X-Parit. Usage:
This is an X-Parit! This parit is no more!
Parity bits
Snack food favored by programmers, modeled after Chicken McNuggets.
See also: Parity
PC Card
ID carried residents of Berkeley, California.
Pointing device
Originally a finger. Now any one of a range of unresponsive bits
of plastic plugged into a computer, designed to be given the finger.
Prodigy
An online service once widely criticized for its slow response
time because it downloaded advertising and graphics its users
didn't want to see. Ironically, it regained popularity in 1995
and 1996 by tapping into the Web.
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RTF
[Acronym: Read This Format]
A Microsoft-developed file format for highly formatted text, intended
for every word processor to emulate as a standard. (See world
domination.)
RTFM
[Acronym: Read This Formatted Manual]
Used by technical support staff and online forum denizens who
purport that manuals contain usable information in a language
understood by those who are neither technical support staff nor
online forum denizens. The F word in RTFM is often substituted
with friendly or fine. This is because many computer
scientists consider the word format to be a dire insult.
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Scanners
Programs on the Jones Computer Network, which usually induce a
high click rate.
Sound card
(also: sound board)
Any add-in circuit board that has passed quality control. Not
guaranteed to generate a sound other than grunts (when you encounter
IRQ conflicts).
SVGA
[Acronymn: Semi-Viable Grainy Appearance]
An IBM-compatible PC monitor standard.
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Tape backup
A means of storing important digital signals in case the LP or
CD becomes damaged. Also used as a means of transporting the data
so you can play it in your car.
TrueType
The George Washingtons of the font world, TrueType fonts are incapable
of telling lies and are used by the majority of PC users for
that reason. Web publishers usually refrain from using TrueType.
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Unix
Operating system incapable of supporting cybersex.
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VGA
[Acronymn: Very Grainy Appearance]
An IBM-compatible PC monitor standard.
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-ware
Universal computer suffix. Any adjective suffixed -ware is recognizable
as computer-related, except for hardware, the father of the -ware
words. Hardware enjoyed a 450-year history before it came to mean
"computer or peripheral." Software is regarded as a
witty description for "stuff in a computer that isn't made
of metal or silicon." See also firmware, vaporware, wetware,
phase-changeware, shareware, freeware, underware, mensware, footware.
Web, The
Short for the World Wide Web, the Web is a metaphor for the dangers
of the online world. The small and weak become ensnared in a sticky
trap and have their blood sucked by predators. See Internet Service
Providers.
Windows
An operating system or environment easily broken by heavy objects
travelling at high speed.
WWW
[Acronym: Wait, Wait, Wait]
The WWW is a loose affiliation of interlinked graphical servers
designed to gridlock all eight lanes of the information superhighway
with truckloads of unnecessary graphics.
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ZIP drive
Something to do with cybersex.
ZIP file
Research on trouser fasteners.
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