Definitions from "The Cynic's Dictionary"... 

ANGST: A form of suffering caused by too much thinking; a phenomenon 
probably incomprehensible to anyone who owns a recreational vehicle.

ASSEMBLY LINE: The notion that if a job is worth doing, it's worth
repeating 9,614 times a day.

BOOKCASE:  A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling
trophies and Elvis collectibles.

BULIMIA: Retched excess.

CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of
intelligence..

CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides;
a closed circle of asses.

CONNOISSEUR: One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio
equipment, cats or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of
inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them.

CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.

CULTURE: The visible evidence of a tribe of bacteria, as observed by
microbiologists or cynics.

DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed
periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment
to Spanish music.

DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of
life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.

ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any
business or romantic enterprise.

FAD: A folly committed by enough of the right people to confer upon it
the badge of status.

FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so
that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume
wood-pulp.

FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually
receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain
them.

GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might
develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.

HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge cliches.

HOUSEPLANTS: Vegetable companions; pleasant green pets that rarely
bite or throw up on the carpet.

IDEOLOGUE: Typically an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment
by spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots.

JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a
Monday morning.

LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a
paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background
for entry into politics.

LECHER: A stud with liver spots.

LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local
merchants in the wake of a riot.

LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from
Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.

MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each
other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.

MIRROR: A truthful reflector shunned by vampires, hypocrites and aging
fashion models.

MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the
lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in
their possession.

NECKTIE: A decorative noose worn by businessmen.

NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice
shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.

NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.

OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us,
occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage
liner for our neighbor's parakeet.

ORGASM: The punchline some women just don't get, generally because
their mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.  Other women
pretend to get it, and still others demand to hear it again and again.

POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.

PROFESSIONAL MODEL: Cheekbones that sell cosmetics; hipbones that sell
anorexia.

QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when
enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.

REPRESSED: Sitting on one's inner demon to keep it decorously
immobilized, as practiced by lifelong Presbyterians or anyone who
attempts to exchange pleasantries with a tyrannical boss.

REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person wating for the opportunity to
become an oppressor.

SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school
popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful
employment on local TV news broadcasts.

STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent.  Also
SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.

STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.

TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes
everyone in the group  to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity,
serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the
question "How are you?" in the negative.

UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.

URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.

VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the
gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.

WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room.  2.
What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do,
especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.

X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the
ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be
color-blind hemophiliacs.

ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and
those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.