Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those jerks!" the old man grumbled. "They mis-spelled my name!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some Halloween Kids' Jokes. Remember when you first heard these? This is a trip down memory lane - with a bonus or two! Q: What should you say when you meet a ghost? A: "How do you boo, sir. How do you boo." Q: What's a ghost's favorite breakfast? A: Ghost toasties with booberries. Q: What's soft, moldy and flies? A: A spoiled bat. Q: What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back? A: "You're under a vest!" Q: What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home? A: He had to give it back. Q: Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup? A: He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn. Q: What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A: A dead ringer. Q: What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time? A: I'd like to get to gnaw you. Q: Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime? A: "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares." Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day? A: So they can fight knights. Q: Where does Dracula keep his valuables? A: In a blood bank. Q: How does a witch tell time? A: She looks at her witch watch. Q: Where can you see a real ugly monster? A: In the mirror. Q: When is it bad luck to see a black cat? A: When you're a mouse. Q: Why did the monster eat the caboose? A: The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo." Q: What's the best place for a mirror? A: In a graveyard. It can double your mummy. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- HALLOWEEN CAROLS sent in by Ellen Kaplan Goffin who got it from friends.. they have either been written or compiled by: Aaron Hertzmann of Swarthmore All right, here they are, the Halloween Carols...some were written by Swarthmore students, some by Palo Alto High School students, and bits from original Charles Shultz material. And some just kind of spontaneously evolved. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. JOY TO THE WORLD (to the tune of JOY TO THE WORLD.) Joy to the world, It's Halloween. The night of fright has come! This time of year we wait. We hope he won't be late. The Great Pumpkin will come, The Great Pumpkin will come, The Great, The GREAT Pumpkin will come. He rules the world, On Hallow's Eve. He's coming here tonight. Let's go into the pumpkin patch They'll put us in the booby hatch, But we will have such fun, But we will have such fun, But we, But we will have such fun. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. HUMPHREY THE BLUE-NOSED PUMPKIN (to the tune of Rudolph the...) Humphrey the blue-nosed pumpkin had a very obvious nose. And if you ever saw it, you might even say it shows. All of the other pumpkins, used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Humphrey play in any pumpkin games. Then one foggy Halloween Eve, the Great Pumpkin did say, "Humphrey, with your nose so blue, you'll make all the ghosts say BOO!" Then all the pumpkins loved him, and they shouted out with glee, Humphrey, the blue-nosed pumpkin, You'll go down in history! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. O Skeletons! (to the tune of O Tannenbaum!) O skeletons! O skeletons! Rattle down my hallway! O skeletons! O skeletons! Rattle in my attic. Let them know, the day is here, When your spirit will appear. O skeletons! O skeletons! Rattle through your graveyard. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. God Rest Ye Merry Spirits God rest ye merry spirits, let nothing you dismay. Witches stirring bubbling cauldrons, smelling of decay. To save you all from Satan's Po'er before your hair turns gray. Oh tidings of horror and fright, Horror and fright! Oh tidings of horror and fright. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. Spooky Night (to the tune of Silent Night.) Spooky Night, Halloween Night, All is cold, nothing's right. Round yon pumpkin glowing away. People singing in the doorway. Sing in devilish glee-ee. Singing in devilish glee. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. The First Halloween The First Halloween The parents did scream At the children in costumes Who stole all the treats. "Go away, go away!" The spirits did say. "You're taking our business, So come back in May!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. We Three Ghosts (to the tune of We Three Kings) We three ghosts of Halloween are Scaring kids who wander too far. Trick or treating, candy eating, Watching for the Halloween Star. Oh...oh... Star of darkness, star of fright. Star of every gruesome sight. West winds howling, cat's a-yowling, Let us play some tricks tonight! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. Obligatory Solutions (to the tune of Jingle Bells.) Dashing through the streets, Meeting goblins as we go, Wearing contour sheets, Wishing it would snow. Bells in doorways ring, Making spirits bright, What fun it is to come and sing And get some food tonight. Trick or treat, trick or treat, trick or treat we say! Try to get the treats before the ghost takes us away! Trick or treat, trick or treat, trick or treat we say! If you don't have treats for us we'll never go away! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 9. Ghosties We Have Heard on High Ghosties we have heard on high, Groaning horribly o'er the plains. And the witches in reply, Cacklin' their eerie strains: Boooooooooooooooooooooo On this Halloween Night we cry: Boooooooooooooooooooooo On this Halloween Night we cry. Spirits why this jubilee? Why your ghastly tunes prolong. What these gruesome tidings be, Which inspire your evil song. Boooooooooooooooooooooo On this Halloween Night we cry: Boooooooooooooooooooooo On this Halloween Night we cry. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. Deck the Halls Deck the halls with poison ivy, fa la la la la, la la la la. 'Tis the season to be slimy, fa la la la la, la la la la. Don we now our strange apparel, fa la la, la la la, la la la. Troll the ancient Halloween carol, fa la la la la, la la la la. See the goblins rise before us, fa la la la la, la la la la. As we sing the Halloween chorus, fa la la la la, la la la la. Follow them as they ascend, fa la la, la la la, la la la. Join with all your loony friends, fa la la la la, la la la la. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11. The Grim Reaper is Coming to Town. Oh, you better not shriek, you better not groan, You better not howl, you better not moan. The Grim Reaper is coming to town! He's gonna find out from folks that he meets, Who should have arsenic put in their treats. Grim Reaper is coming to town! He'll search in every graveyeard, Haunted houses far and near, To see if you should stay alive, Or die right here in fear! So, you better not shriek, you better not groan, You better not howl, you better not moan. The Grim Reaper is coming to town! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 12. On the First Day of Halloween On the First Day of Halloween, my Swamp Thing gave to me: A hoot owl in a dead tree. Two trick or treaters, Three black cats, Four skeletons, Five Snicker bars, Six goblins gobbling, Seven pumpkins glowing, Eight monsters shrieking, Nine ghosts a-booing, Ten ghouls a-groaning, Eleven masks a-leering, Twelve bats a-flying. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 13. Spirit Wonderland (to the tune of Winter Wonderland) Screech owls hoot, are you listening? 'Neath the moon, all is glistening. A real scary sight, we're happy tonight. Waitin' in a spirit wonderland. In the streets, we're begging for some candy. We've been waiting for this night all year. We've tried to embarrass everybody, And to make a costume filling you with fear. Later on, while we're eating What we got trick or treating. We'll share all our sacks Of Halloween snacks, Waitin' in a spirit wonderland. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 14. Shivery Yells We're on sidewalks, we're on porches, Dressed in costumes to scare. Through the city we're ringing the doorbells. Trick or treating, candy eating, Gooey stuff in our hair, But the most fun is shrieking out loud, "Shivery yells! Shivery yells!" That's the Halloween nitty-gritty. "Moan and Groan. Leave us alone. Halloween's just one night a year." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Suggestions for songs to convert: Frosty the snowman Good King Wenceslas O Little Town of Bethlehem We wish you a Merry Christmas Hark the Herald Angel sings. An incomplete song so far: Ooooh - the lurking werewolves howl, warning us of fiends most fowl. ( to Hark the Herald...) And a really scary one: We wish you assorted vegetables, We wish you the cheddar cheese bake, We wish you the chili nachos, And the Rice Croquettes. (Cheeseless rice...Salad bar...where in the Heck did I park my car...)