Helpful Camping Tips

Some by Bruce Cochran; from the Sept. `96 issue of Backpacker:


When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic
table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his
favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking
them over an open fire.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet
warm.  A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese
sticks between your toes.  Eating one can also keep your 
sleeping bag warm, but do this only when camping alone!

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain 
ranges.  Steer clear of those named for landfills.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers
to stay dry in a downpour.  Rain suits that sneeze, cough, 
and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing
to the wilderness experience.

The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should
never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by
Tibetan veterinarians.

You'll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an
unlisted number.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the
Swiss Army Knife has remained largely unheralded.  Its single
blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter.  Warning: Remove
lint from navel before applying the match.

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows
on the north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing
into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt.  It gives you
something to wipe your nose on.

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by
running over it with your car.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side
dish.  A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an
excellent hockey puck.

You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then
breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by
shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband
of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent
kindling.

A large carp can be used for a pillow.

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations.  The
sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly
country.  The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding
mountain road behind a large motor home.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to
strangle a snoring tent mate.