In The News

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING - May be offensive to American politicians, Los Angelenos,
Marcia Clark, Michael Jackson. Includes reference to illegal drug use
and sex.

UN chief Kofi Annan's deal with Iraq is being hailed as miraculous. In
fact, he's been sent to Arizona to settle this Roadrunner-Coyote
thing.

Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological
weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an
atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.

A White House spokesman called President Clinton's relationship with
Monica Lewinsky a "very complicated story". Actually, the story isn't
so complicated... JUSTIFYING it is. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

More bad news for Clinton. A federal judge has ruled the presidential
line item veto unconstitutional. That means we're back up to Ten
Commandments.

Hillary Clinton is still defending her husband, saying he gets up
every day and does the work of two men. Of course, the men are Charlie
Sheen and Wilt Chamberlin, but still... (Leno)

The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school
police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at
elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will
carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.

A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not
know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and
remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin)

AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever
conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new
feature called job forwarding.

El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter
bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a
particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times.

Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape
of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy
defense, which states that together they were 29.

Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs
commentator. In the job, she'll discuss ongoing court cases and then
describe what she would do to lose them.

The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85.
Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with
preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by
friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30.

Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in
inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of
coffee.

Michael Jackson's business partner has bought part of TWA, and now
says he's going to have Michael redesign some of the planes. Michael
says he wants the planes to be all white with smaller noses. (O'Brien)

A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing
positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better.
Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn't
remember where he put his other ski.

More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded
a gold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were
clearly beaten by Moose and Squirrel.

Did anyone see the luge? It's a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no
room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in
America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno)

Newt Gingrich says that the major networks should give free air time
to anti drug messages. For example, they should come on during your
favorite show and talk about how drugs and alcohol are a dead end
street... and now back to Nash Bridges starring Cheech Marin and Don
Johnson. (Maher)

Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the
three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena.

Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket worker's underwear
spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk
ended up with cherries jubilee.

And finally, with Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally
understand why we celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. 
(Leno)