Dear Sirs,

I am writing to complain about the performance of one of
your products, to wit: Bigelow I Love Lemon Herb Tea. Having
recently sampled said item in a culinary context, I am 
convinced that it is the most unappealing, tasteless, and 
unprofessional tea I have ever encountered.

This tea breaks all previously-conceived boundaries of the 
concept bland. It invokes in the drinker a level of excitement
usually associated with shoelace collections or counting 
one's own armpit hairs. I notice that the tea is classified
as as "Herb Tea" rather than an "Herbal Tea," and that 
Herb has traditionally been a name denoting banal, tedious 
people. Another tumbler of the Bigelow corporate lock falls
into place.

The outer wrapper of the teabag - whose taste may be compared
favorably to that of the tea itself - is colored yellow. One 
may conjecture that this represents some twisted attempt to
conjure associations with other objects that R.C. Bigelow, Inc.
regards as the paradigm of tastiness, such as fire hydrants, 
old math textbooks, and yield signs. A quick glance at the 
packages of some of your other herbal tea products confirms 
our suspicions. One tea package depicts a small cat, playfully 
clawing a ball or mouse or small child, while your propagandistic 
legend assures us the paragon of beverages is contained within. 
What sort of baldfaced nonsequitor is this? The only thing a 
cat and tea have in common is that one dislikes being immersed 
in the other. Clearly, your marketing skills are equivalent to 
your prowess at teamaking, which is probably on level with the 
cat's.

In short, I find I Love Lemon Herb Tea a thoroughly detestable
product, and recommend changing its name to I Used To Love Lemon
Until I Drank This Herb Tea. In view of its exceeding worthlessness
as a viable drink, it is difficult not to inductively extend this
condemnation to include the entire product line of R.C. Bigelow, 
Inc.  However, if I were sent a free sample of each of your other 
tea products, I might be able to constrain my loathing to this 
particular specimen, and not gallop through the streets of 
Pittsburgh howling obscenities about your company and your 
activities, which, as you know, it exceedingly deleterious to 
healthy public relations.

Sincerely,

Michael Shapiro