Life Ponderings



It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.

I saw a sign at a gas station.  It said 'help wanted'.  There was
another sign below it that said 'self service'.  So I hired
myself. Then I made myself the boss.  I gave myself a raise. I
paid myself. Then I quit.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire
neighborhood was gone.

I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

I got a dog and named him `Stay'.  Now, I go `Come here, Stay!'
After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I spilled spot remover on my dog....now he's gone.

I have a map of the United States, life size.  1 mile equals 1
mile. It's a bitch to fold it.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a
dehumidifier.... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let
them fight it out.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
information.  She said they were behind the couch.  She was right.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I
think I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.

Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany.   She said, "Cut
it out."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I planted some bird seed.  A bird grew.  Now I don't know what to
feed it.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's
part of the experiment?  I'm like that all the time.

The sign said "eight items or less".  So I changed my name to Les.

I xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything
specific.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station.
Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I
relaxed in front of the fire for the evening in ten minutes.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures
of cats on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in
circles.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday.  I'd have
preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK."