Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was
sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.  Conscious
of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told
the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll
be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message.  In
the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."  Feeling as
though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he
asked, "What do you want?"  "Nothing important, sir," the airman
replied, "just here to hook up your telephone."

*************************************************

A private is on duty in the motor pool when the phone rings: "Soldier,
can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?" 
The voice on the other end asked.

"Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half dozen half-tracks, two armored
personnel carriers, a couple of motorcycles, and fat-ass Johnson's
command jeep."

"Soldier? Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"No sir."

"This is Major Johnson, your commander!"

"Uh Sir?  Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"Not yet!"

"That's good!  Bye, Fat-Ass!"

*************************************************

A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their pilots were
chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time.  Talk fell on
the subject of relative merits of their respective aircraft with the
fighter pilots holding their planes were better because of their
maneuverability, weaponry and the like.

The C-130 pilot replied "Yeah? Well I can do a few things in this old
girl that you'd only dream about."  Naturally, he was challenged to
demonstrate.

"Just watch," he tells them. The C-130 continues to fly straight and
level, and after several minutes the Herk pilot returns to the air and
says, "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking
about?  What did you do?"

He replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee,
then went back and went to the bathroom.

*************************************************

In the Ozarks, there was a mountaineer that was reputed to have the best
hunting dog ever, by the name of Co-pilot.

Three city folks went up in the mountains and wanted to rent him.

"Good huntin dog,...gonna cost ya $50.00 a day."  They agreed, and three
days later came back with the limit.

The next year they came back. "Co-pilot got better, gonna cost ya $75.00
a day."  Again they agreed, and 2 days later came back with the limit.

The third year they came back and told the mountaineer they had to have
Co-pilot, even if it cost $100.00 a day.

"You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging
you $4.00."

"But we don't understand, what happened to him?" 

"Well a crew from that there air base in Okaloosa County Florida come up
and rented him.   One of them idiots called him Pilot, and he's been
sitting on his ass barkin ever since."

*************************************************

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot......

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the planes shuts down.

*************************************************

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.  They were
both just getting finished with their shaves-the barbers were reaching
for some aftershave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey,don't put that on me!  My wife will think I've
been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on.  My
wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."