Q:  How do you drive a violist nuts?
A:  Detune a string and don't tell him which one.

Q:  What is the difference between violists and
    terrorists?
A:  Terrorists have sympathizers.

Q:  How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect
    unison?
A:  Shoot one.

Q:  What's the definition of a minor 2nd?
A:  Two flutes playing in unison.

Q:  What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A:  Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

Q:  What's the difference between a bassoon and a
    trampoline?
A:  You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q:  How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
A:  Add vibrato.

Q:  How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
A:  Put your hand over the bell and miss a lot of notes.

Q:  What's the definition of a gentleman?
A:  Someone who knows how to play a trombone but doesn't.

Q:  Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than
    horses?
A:  So they don't disgrace themselves in a parade.

Q:  What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?
A:  Drool.

Q:  What is the definition of a quarter tone?
A:  A harpist tuning unison strings.

Q:  How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A:  Sit in the back and don't play.

Q:  How do you know if a viola section is at your front
    door?
A:  No one knows when to come in.

Q:  What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A:  The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Q:  How do you get a violinist to play a downbow staccato?
A:  Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it "solo."

Q:  What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A:  Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

Q:  What's the difference between a soprano and the P.L.O.?
A:  You can negotiate with the P.L.O.

Q:  What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A:  The bull has the horns at the front and the asshole in
    the back.

Q:  How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A:  Give him a sheet of music.

Q:  What do a vacuum cleaner and electric guitar have in
    common?
A:  When you plug them in they both suck.

Q:  "Hey Buddy, how late does the band play?"
A:  "Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."

Q:  Why are conductor's hearts perfect for transplants?
A:  They've had so little use.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor.
He is told the condutor is dead.  The musician calls back 25
times and gets the same message from the receptionist.  The
receptionist asks why he keeps calling.  The musician replies
"I just like to hear you say it." 

Q:  Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A:  To get away from the noise.