The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for
the Periodic Table.

Billclintium [Bc] - With a slick appearance and slimy texture,
this element undergoes a series of interesting changes in hot
water.

Monicatonium [Ml] - Deceptively sweet to the taste, and soft to
the touch, actually a corrosive poison which is slow acting,
debilitating, and occasionally lethal.

Goredium [Gd] - Polished surface, very lusterous. Completely
inert and unreactive. Often confused with Bordeum.

Canadium [Eh] - Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much
more rigid. Often called Boron.

Innocensium [Pc] - Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons,
neutrons, leptons, quarks. Unstable as components oscillate
between attraction and repulsion.

Newtium [Oo] - Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative
charge.  Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased
cheaply. Third heaviest element after Limbaughium and Kennedium.

Kennedium - [Ek] - 1/2 life second only to StromThurdium. Strong
affinity for Budweisium.

Quaylium [Vp] - Einsteinium it ain't. Occasionally incendiary. No
practical use has ever been found for it.

Budweisium [Ps] - Has no taste or smell; is often
indistinguishable from water.

Cabmium [Cb] - Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in
two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be
stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated
with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not
determined the formula for calculating it.

Politicium [Po] - Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon
in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.

Congressium [$$] - Atomic number 535. Can never be found in a
solution.

Limbaughium [Lb] - The heaviest known element. It possesses an
ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no
light.  Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact
with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.