Noah's Ark -- If It Happened Today
 
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it
rain until the whole earth is covered with water  and all the evil
people
are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every
kind of living thing on the planet.  I am commanding you to build an
Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for
an
Ark. "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the 
blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord.

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord
saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. ...And there was
no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"  "Lord, please
forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems.
First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project,
and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw
the plans.  Then I got into a big fight with him over whether or not the
Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
 
"Next my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building
the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission. In addition, I had problems getting enough wood for
the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted
Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood
to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. 

"Then, the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before
anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. We finally got that settled and
had sixteen carpenters working on the boat, but still no owls. 

"Not long after I started gathering up animals, when I got sued by an
animal rights group.  They objected to me taking only two of each kind. 
They said that humans should not be allowed aboard until every existing
animals was safe. I had just managed to get the suit dismissed when EPA
notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an
environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take
kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a
Supreme Being.