Not quite, but close


1.  When you breath, you inspire.  When you do not breath, you
expire.

2.  For head cold:  Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops
in your throat.

3.  To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test
tube.

4.  When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

5.  Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not stable in free
state.

6.  Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.  Oxygin is
pure gin,  Hydrogin is gin and water.

7.  Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and
caterpillars.

8.  H2O is hot water, CO2 is cold water.

9.  Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative.

10. The moon is a planet like Earth, only it is even deader.

11. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and
makes them perspire.

12. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can
hold.

13. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.

14. The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax, and
the abominable cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the
bowls, of which there are five-a, e, i, o, and u.

15. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

16. The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

17. The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken
out and the outsides have been taken off.  The purpose of the
skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

18. A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight
cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

19. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon.  All water
tends toward the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum.  I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

20. A fossil is an extinct animal.  The older it is, the more extinct
it is.

21. For fainting:  Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm
above the hand instead.  Or put the head between the knees of the
nearest medical doctor.

22. Equator:  A managerie lion running around Earth through Africa.

23. Germinate:  To become a naturalized German.

24. Liter:  A nest of young puppies.

25. Magnet:  Something you can find crawling over a dead cat.

26. Momentum:  What you give a person when they are going away.

27. Rhubarb:  A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

28. Vacuum:  A large, empty space where the pope lives.

29. Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration.

30. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

31. For a nosebleed:  Put the nose lower than the body until the
heart stops.

32. To prevent contraception:  Wear a condominium.

33. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.