One Liners If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. There's no future in time travel. Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data. If you can't convince them, confuse them. Death is hereditary. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. Multitasking - screwing up several things at once. Dyslexics of the world, untie! Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon! I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Polynesia: memory loss in parrots. Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW! A good pun is its own reword. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. To err is human, to moo bovine. Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate. MicroSloth: "Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe." How does Teflon stick to the pan? There's an exception to every rule, except this one. I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. Why do "psychics" have to ask you for your name? Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm! Drink 'til she's cute, but stop BEFORE the wedding. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they do. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ... 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Who is General Failure and why is he always reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. I spilled Spot Remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? Join the Army, meet interesting people and kill them. Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor. Wear short sleeves and support your right to bare arms. OK, so what's the speed of dark? Black holes are where God divided by zero. All those who believe in "psychokinesis", raise my hand. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier to live with... Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35 great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? How come abbreviated is such a long word? If it's zero degrees outside today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? Why are they called "buildings," when they're already finished? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? Why does sour cream have an expiration date? Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my disk? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? Why is the alphabet in that order? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? When two airplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!! Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? Why is it that when a door is open, it's ajar - but when a jar is open, it's not adoor? How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent? Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just SEEM longer? If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Isn't the best way to save face, to keep the lower part shut? War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.