Popcorn Causes Cancer

There is little doubt that the common variety popcorn purchased
at many of the local stores is a full blown fast reacting
carcinogen (cancer producer).

Some questions still remain unanswered as to why the so-called
popcorn syndrome occurs.  Some feel the addition of butter
may trigger the development of the disease.  Butter is an
animal fat and may react synergistically with the vegetable
(popcorn) to destroy the red blood cells.  Others feel that the
salt used to season the popcorn is the key to the problem.
Evidence is weak to support either of these theories, since
unbuttered and unsalted popcorn is so tasteless, recorde of
persons eating it that way are sketchy and unconfirmed.

Scientists base their conclusions on the following concrete
scientific facts;

a.  There is undisputed proof that all persons who have died
from cancer have eaten popcorn within the year preceeding
their death.

 b.  There is strong evidence that more people have died in the
 last 200 years from Cancer than did in the 100 years prior.
 This is attributed to the development of the electric popcorn
 popper and possible radiation of the exploding kernels.

 c.  There is also increasing support to the theory that people
 who have been exposed to free popcorn at local bars and
 taverns are especially susceptible to a fast form of Cancer.
 This Cancer reacts so fast it leaves the victim dazed and
 incoherent, often to the point of unconsciousness.  Treatment
 of this form of Cancer has been very successful if the exposed
 individual survives the initial onslaught and its side effects.
 Even after recovery, most victims suffer the "I wish I could get
 well enough to die" feeling, and have a dirty brown taste in
 the mouth.

 d.  Tests on mice and elephants have been somewhat inconclusive.
 When fed 33 pounds of popcorn over a 24 hour period, two of the  three mice died.  The third exploded violently after drinking
 two quarts of water, destroying any evidence of Cancer.  None
 of the three elephants expired, but when the ration was redcued
 to one pound a week, they all showed visible signs of marked
 weakening.

 e.  Popcorn consumed at ball games and sporting events shows 
 evidence of a very high order of brain Cancer.  People eating   popcorn at such activities become emotionally istraught,
 irritable, and nervous.  These disorders are cumulative and
 nearly always reach their highest plateau at the end of the game
 or season.

Popcorn is a killer.  The government is aware of the problem and
although they at first denied there was concern.  Several large
lawsuits prompted them to release two documents on popcorn
Cancer.  They have also agreed to label popcorn "Hazardous To The
Health".  The evidence is overwhelming . . . Popcorn eaters
will die!