"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have
to find you a temp."
-- Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that
study:  Duh."
-- Conan O'Brien

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up
quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the
logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
-- Warren Hutcherson

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think
of your three best friends.  If they are okay, then it's you."
-- Rita Mae Brown

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't
either."
-- Dick Cavett

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
-- Rita Rudner

"The Swiss have an interesting army.  Five hundred years
without a  war.  Pretty impressive.  Also pretty lucky for them. 
Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? 
Not much of a weapon there.  Corkscrews.  Bottle openers. 
'Come on, buddy, let's go!  You get past me, the guy in back
of me, he's got a spoon.  Back off!  I've got the toe clippers
right here!'"
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?  I'm
halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I
could be eating a slow learner."
-- Lynda Montgomery

"What do people mean when they say the computer went
down on me?"
-- Marilyn Pittman

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blonde I think.  I
don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was
herself.  You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. 
Me, me, me.' You know.  'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we
talk about me just a little bit?"
-- Garry Shandling

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."
-- Paul Rodriguez

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect
just by standing up really fast."
-- Johnathan Katz

"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that
someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal
family?"
-- Robin Williams

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color,
but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
-- Jerry Seinfeld






A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a
coffin. 
-- H.L. Mencken

If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours.
-- Clarence Day

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see
him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
-- Shirley Temple

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it
would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
-- Doug Lars

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that
you don't need it.
-- Bob Hope

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their
fellow man, and I hate people like that!  
-- Tom Lehrer

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and
then I thought: What the hell good would that do?
-- Ronnie Shakes

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted
by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
-- Rod Serling

Somewhere on this globe,every ten seconds, a woman gives birth to
a child.  She must be found and stopped.
--Sam Levenson

Television:  a medium.  So called because it is neither rare nor
well-done.
--Ernie Kovacs

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you
get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office. 
-- Robert Frost

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is
that they have a common enemy. 
-- Sam Levenson

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change
color and fall from the trees.
-- David Letterman

USA Today has come out with a new survey-- apparently, three out
of every four people make up 75% of the population.
-- David Letterman

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel
tells us the truth about its author. 
-- G. K.Chesterton

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because
someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at
the top.
-- An English Professor, Ohio University

The word 'politics' is derived from the word poly, meaning 'many',
and the word ticks, meaning'blood sucking parasites.'
-- Larry Hardiman

I love deadlines.  I like the whooshing sound they make as they
fly by. 
-- Douglas Adams

The metric system did not really catch on in the U.S. unless you
count the increasing popularity of the 9 mm bullet.
-- Dave Barry

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've
got it made.
-- Jean Giraudoux

I'm still an atheist, thank God. 
-- Luis Bunuel

There is only one difference between a madman and me.  I am
not mad. 
-- Salvador Dali

This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong.
-- Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague

We're all in this alone. 
-- Lily Tomlin

You can go a long way with a smile.  You can go a lot farther
with a smile and a gun. 
-- Al Capone

Weather forecast for tonight:  dark. 
-- George Carlin

Fig Newton:  The force required to accelerate a fig 39.37
inches/sec. 
-- J. Hart

I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking.  He called
me a quitter. 
-- Steven Pearl

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register
open and the toilets locked.  They must think toilet paper is
worth more than money. 
-- Joey Bishop

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to
appreciate it. 
-- Franklin P. Jones

Red meat is NOT bad for you.  Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad
for you!  
-- Tommy Smothers

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to
one; and against two bombs, a million times a million to one. 
Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb. 
-- Benny Hill

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I
buy something. 
-- Jackie Mason

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll
be surprised at how little you have. 
-- Ernest Haskins

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands
of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
-- Norm Crosby

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. 
-- Evan Davis

We must believe in luck.  For how else can we explain the success
of those we don't like? 
-- Jean Cocturan

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with
enthusiasm.
-- Vince Lombardi

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their
friends thought I didn't exist.
-- Aaron Machado

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.
-- Dick Cavett

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.  He told me to
quit going to those places. 
-- Henny Youngman

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one
can be the designated driver.
-- Jay Leno

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world
every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
-- Jerry Seinfeld

If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching
television in the dark. 
-- Michael Landon

Always and never are two words you should always remember never
to use. 
-- Wendell Johnson

I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall
some day die, which is not so. 
-- Stephen Leacock

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether
I win or lose.
-- Darrin Weinberg

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your
life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
-- Fran Lebowitz

The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut
stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves, which make us wonder
at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing.
-- Gamel Abdel Nasser

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you
think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today:
   (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
   (2) Advising the President.
   (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. 
-- David Letterman

Maybe this world is another planet's hell. 
-- Aldous Huxley