After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought
tears to my eyes.  He said, "No hablo ingles."
-Ronnie Shakes

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
-Abraham Lincoln

To make a small fortune, invest a large fortune.
-Bruce Cohn

When I cannot brag about knowing something, I brag about not knowing it.
-Emerson

I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
-Tom Waits

A career is a job that has gone on too long.
-Jeff MacNelley

The cure for writer's cramp is writer's block.
-Inigo DeLeon

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just
sort of a tired feeling.
-Paula Poundstone

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen.  When
they're finished, I climb out.
-Erma Bombeck

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.
-Redd Foxx

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
-Charlie McCarthy

I have enough money to last the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
-Jackie Mason

I try to watch what I eat, but my eyes are too slow.
-Wanda Eda Lott

There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at, without results.
-Winston Churchill

It doesn't matter what he does, he will never amount to anything.
-One of Albert Einstein's teachers

If at first you don't succeed, you're about average.
-N.E. Fish-Hunt

In America, anyone can become President, that's the risk you take.
-Aldai Stevenson

Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in
perfume and signed, "Guess Who?"  She's a divorce lawyer.
-Robert Orben

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-Fletcher Knebel