My school colors were clear.
 
I stayed in a really old hotel last night.  They sent me a 
wake-up letter.
 
I'm taking La maze classes.  I'm not having a baby, I'm just 
having trouble breathing.
 
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting.  He was making pennies. 
They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on 
the wrong sides.  He's in a minimum security prison now; he's 
on a whiffle-ball and chain.
 
Hermits have no peer pressure.
 
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
 
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the 
shore like an idiot.
 
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
 
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's 
Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."  I said, "the 
middle of August?  Cool!"
 
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
 
I just got skylights put in my place.  The people who live above 
me are furious.
 
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . .
 
I remember when the candle shop burned down.  Everyone stood 
around singing "Happy Birthday".
 
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards.  
Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
 
I got stopped by a cop the other day.  He said, "Why'd you run 
that stop sign?"  I said, "Because I don't believe everything 
I read."
 
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room
temperature.
 
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
 
I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped.  I said, 
"No thanks - I'm not going that far."
 
I played a blank tape on full volume.  The mime who lived next 
door complained.  So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.
 
I'm a peripheral visionary.
 
I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
 
Ballerinas are always on their toes.  Why don't they just get 
taller ballerinas?
 
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the 
precipitate.
 
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
 
You can't have everything... where would you put it?