Saint Patrick's Day Groaners Q. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? A. Regular rocks are too heavy. ===== Q. Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? A. Because they're always a little short. ===== Q. Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold? A. They like to "go" first class! ===== Q. How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A. He's Dublin over with laughter! ===== Q. What's Irish and stays out all night? A. Patty O'furniture! ===== Q. How did the Irish Jig get started? A. Too much to drink and not enough restrooms! ===== Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife? A. A bachelor. ===== What a Night On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over. "So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." ===== Two English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London bus near an Irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one. "Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful." "Dear me!" said the first lady. "well where are you going?" "Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first lady objected. At this point an Irish lady sitting behind them could no longer hold her tounge. "Why don't ye both go t' hell," she suggested. "There be no Irish there!" ===== "I presume, Mrs Murphy, you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?" "Indeed I do, sir, it's a lock of my Dan's hair." "But your husband is still alive." "That he is," said she "but his hair is long gone!" ===== Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough." Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!" As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him." ===== Two Irish mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years." The other woman said, "Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time." "My word," the first Irish mother said. "You must be so proud." "I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him one whale of a big party!" ===== Maureen was feeling a bit ill, and not recovering from a night out anywhere near as fast as Paddy. So he sent her off to the doctor. She came back shortly with a puzzled frown and said: "Oh, Paddy, he wants a "Specimen", but fer the life o me I don't know if we have one or if we can affod t' buy one!" Paddy hemmed and hawed for a while, but couldn't figure it out either. So he finally suggested: "me lass, why don't you go upstairs and ask Maud O'Reilly. She used to work the streets in town and she'll know." So Maureen climbed up the stairs and knocked. Not a minute later, screaming and cussing and the noise of a ferocious fight echoed down the stairwell, soon followed by much banging and clatter as poor Maureen came tumbling down the stairs. As Paddy helped her up he asked her what happend. "Oh Paddy, she's so mean! All I did was ask her what a 'specimen' was, and she told me to 'piss in abottle'! So of course I told her to shit in a hat, and the fight was on."