I thought this was a hilarous article that every person
ever bitten by a mosquito should read.

Tuesday, April 28, 1998
Kirby: Squish Skeeters Before They Get Protected Status
By Robert Kirby

Last night I saw one of my neighbors staggering for his
front door with what looked like a lawn dart sticking out
of his back.

Turned out to be a  mosquito.  I chased it off with a shovel.
The skeeter, although big, was obviously a rookie.  In mindless
haste, its proboscis had gone in between Gary's shoulder
blades and straight out under his sternum, leaving the clumsy
bug sucking air instead of Gary's insides.  There's going to
be a heck of a welt.

This amazing but true experience is a sure sign that the
mosquito situation is going to be bad this year.  Heavy
ground moisture and a high teen pregnancy rate among skeeters
mean a miserable summer for humans, especially bald-headed
guys and nudists.

Before you panic, it's important to remember that mosquitoes
are one of God's most delicate creations, which makes them
easy to squish.  And unlike whales and the great Wasatch
sewage leech, they are not protected by federal law.

Timing is everything.  Before mosquitoes become the darling
of an easily provoked group of eco-ninnies, we should take
steps to control their numbers.

As a favor to humankind, I've given this a lot of thought.
Planned Parenthood isn't going to work in this case because,
well, have you ever seen a mosquito condom?  Christian
Coalition meddling aside, they are hard to hand out.

Furthermore, mosquitoes tend to be quite unreasonable,
especially after gorging at frat parties and sporting events.
And even when they are sober, they have very simple minds.
So I say we kill them.  Past efforts to liquidate mosquitoes
have not been successful, largely because there has never
really been a common eradication strategy among humans.  We've
been doing it one mosquito at a time.

For example, some humans think the best way to kill skeeters
is to wait for one to land and then swat it.  The mosquito
countermeasure for this is to land on people's heads, where
the blows end in dead mosquitoes but also mild human concussions.
The human race can't afford to keep trading brain cells for
mosquitoes, or pretty soon "Barney" is going to be the only
thing on TV.

The least efficient way of killing a mosquito is to hit it
with a car, which a lot of people do.  However, unless you
are getting 650 trillion mosquitoes to the gallon, it's a
waste of time.

Bug zappers are probably the most popular way of killing
skeeters.  Unfortunately, it is not a very discriminating
method.  In addition to killing skeeters, bug zappers also
electrocute moths, bats and hang gliders.

The most inhumane way of killing mosquitoes is something
called the Furious Harold method.  What you do is tie the
fattest person you know to a tree stark naked. Paint him
(around here it's a guy named Harold) with honey, then,
when he is completely covered with busy skeeters, hit him
with a cattle prod.  Mosquitoes hate this.

Chemical warfare is a waste of time.  In my neighborhood,
the county's mosquito-abatement truck comes driving through
about 3 a.m., blasting noxious fumes.  The truck is so loud
you can hear it on Mars.  All it really does is wake you up
and remind you that there are bugs hunting your blood.

If not actually killing mosquitoes, there's the process of
simply getting them to leave you alone.  It usually involves
smearing yourself with something that costs a lot of money
and smells like it once belonged in the bladder of a goat.

When we stand before the Judgment Bar, humans should demand
from God an accounting for mosquitoes.  The logic behind
skeeters is so bizarre, it must have some kind of import
beyond our comprehension.  I wouldn't complain too loud,
though.  Hell's probably full of skeeters.

Robert Kirby welcomes e-mail at rkirby@sltrib.com