Stupid Questions w/ Answers Q: Did you hear about the bandit that held up a Chinese restaurant? A: Half an hour later he was broke. Q: Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder? A: He got a little behind in his work. Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? A: He was buttering up his teacher. Q: Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? A: They fight tooth and nail! Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? A: He doesn't believe in dogs. Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi? A: He was walking around everywhere saying, "Yo!" Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? A: He decided to stick it out for one more year! Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? A: He's all right now. Q: Did you hear about the guy who ran through the screen door? A: He strained himself. Q: Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. Q: Did you hear about the new restaurant that opened in India? A: It's a New Delhicatessen. Q: Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug? A: She had her baby in the spring. Q: Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? A: The survivors were marooned. Q: Did you hear about the two men who walked into a bar? A: The third one ducked. Q: Did you hear about the two silkworms that had a race? A: It ended up in a tie. Q: Have you seen Quasimodo? A: No, but I have a hunch he's back! Q: How can you recognize a burned-out hippie? A: He used to take acid, now he takes antacid. Q: How can you tell if a planet is married? A: It has a ring around it. Q: How do crazy people go through the forest? A: They take the psycho path. Q: How do they put out fires at the post office? A: They stamp them out. Q: How do you circumcise a whale? A: Send down fore-skin divers. Q: How do you get a frog off the back window of your car? A: Use the rear defrogger. Q: How do you get holy water? A: Boil the hell out of it. Q: How do you keep someone from stealing your bagel? A: Put lox on it! Q: How do you revive a drowning rodent? A: Give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb? A: She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment." Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? A: From a catalog. Q: How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Are you kidding? That's a hardware problem! Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. We'll just declare darkness the new standard. Q: How you get down from an elephant? A: You don't, you get down from ducks. Q: How would you clean a tuba? A: Try a tuba toothpaste. Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? A: Pilgrims. Q: What city has the largest rodent population? A: Hamsterdam. Q: What day does a fish hate? A: Fry day. Q: What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates? A: Well done. Q: What did one cloned sheep say to the other? A: I am ewe. Q: What did one hot dog say to another? A: Hi, Frank! Q: What did one ocean say to the other ocean? A: Nothing, they just waved. Q: What did one rabbit say to the other rabbit? A: Nothing. Rabbits can't talk. Q: What did one wall say to the other wall? A: Meet you at the corner. Q: What did the big chimney say to the small chimney? A: You're too young to be smoking. Q: What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant? A: He had two waiters and a busboy. Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: How can you breathe through that? Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? A: "Dam." Q: What did the robot have to do before she wore any earrings? A: She had to get her gears pierced. Q: What did the painter say to the wall? A: One more crack and I'll plaster you! Q: What did the worm say to the caterpillar? A: What did you do to get that fur coat? Q: What do cats like on a hot day? A: A mice cream cone. Q: What do cats like to eat for breakfast? A: Mice Krispies. Q: What do fish play on the piano? A: Scales. Q: What do pigs write letters with? A: Pig pens. Q: What do prisoners use to call each other? A: Cell phones. Q: What do sea monsters eat for lunch? A: Fish and ships. Q: What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? A: National Dyslexics Association. Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A: A stick. Q: What do you call a bunch of dancing pebbles? A: The Rockettes. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef. Q: What do you call a crazy baker? A: A dough nut. Q: What do you call a day that follows two days of rain? A: Monday. Q: What do you call a frightened scuba diver? A: Chicken of the sea. Q: What do you call a monster with no neck? A: The Lost Neck Monster. Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? A: A roaming Catholic. Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas? A: Bugs Bunny. Q: What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis? A: A hoarse doctor. Q: What do you call an artificial stone? A: A shamrock. Q: What do you call bedtime stories for boats? A: Ferry tales. Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours? A: Nacho cheese. Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? A: Quatro sinko. Q: What do you call it when worms take over the world? A: Global Worming. Q: What do you call Santa's helpers? A: Subordinate Clauses. Q: What do you call 3 rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously? A: A receding hareline. Q: What do you get from a pampered cow? A: Spoiled milk. Q: What do you get when you cross a canary and a lawn mower? A: Shredded tweet. Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A: A dog that runs for help ... after he bites your leg off. Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: What do you get when you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo? A: An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A: A pachydermatologist. Q: What do you get when you drop boiling water down a rabbit hole? A: Hot cross bunnies. Q: What do you get when you have a cow and a duck? A: Milk and quackers. Q: What do you use to redecorate a baby's bathroom? A: Infantile. Q: What does a dog get when it finishes obedience school? A: A pet degree. Q: What does an envelope say when you lick it? A: Nothing, it just shuts up. Q: What does it mean when the flag's at half mast at the post office? A: They're hiring. Q: What does Michael Jackson call his "Tickle-me Elmo" doll? A: Bait. Q: What does the sun drink out of? A: Sunglasses. Q: What goes "Tick tock, woof woof"? A: A watch dog. Q: What goes black and white, black and white, black and white, boom? A: A nun falling down the stairs. Q: What goes faster than a rabbit in a field? A: A rabbit in a blender. Q: What happens to illegally parked frogs? A: They get toad away. Q: What happens when a ghost haunts a theater? A: The actors get stage fright. Q: What has more lives than a cat? A: A frog. It croaks every night. Q: What insect does well in school? A: A spelling bee. Q: What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A: A celebrity roast. Q: What is a zebra? A: 26 sizes larger than "A" bra. Q: What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now? A: Decomposing. Q: What is the biggest ant? A: An elephant. Q: What is the last thing a "Tickle Me Elmo" doll gets at the factory? A: Two test tickles. Q: What is three feet long? A: A yard. Q: What kind of bird can write? A: A penguin. Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? A: Sanka. Q: and what kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic? A: Iceberg. Q: What kind of dog floats in the air? A: An Airedale. Q: What do you get if an Airedale floats too close to the sun? A: A hot dog. Q: What kind of flowers grow in outer space? A: Sunflowers. Q: What kind of music do ghosts listen to? A: Sheet music. Q: What kind of necktie does a pig wear? A: A pigsty. Q: What kind of shoes do lazy people wear? A: Loafers. Q: What kind of shoes do snakes wear for swimming? A: Water mocassins. Q: What kind of tree has hands? A: A palm tree. Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A: A nervous wreck. Q: What magazine do cats like to read? A: Good Mousekeeping. Q: What makes a bowling alley so quiet? A: You can hear a pin drop. Q: What time is it when the clock strikes 13? A: Time to get the clock fixed. Q: What type of fish play poker? A: Card sharks. Q: What would you get if you crossed a potato and a frog? A: A potatoad. Q: What would you get if you put a light bulb in a suit of armor? A: A knightlight. Q: What's a chimney sweep's most common ailment? A: The flue. Q: What's green and red and goes 1000 miles an hour? A: A frog in a blender. Q: What's happening when you hear "woof...splat...meow...splat?" A: It's raining cats and dogs. Q: How do you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? A: By the taste. Q: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli? A: Kids won't eat broccoli. Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? A: I don't know and I don't care. Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef. Q: What's the saddest part of the day? A: Mourning. Q: When do you need to oil a mouse? A: When it squeaks. Q: Where did the vegetables go to get drunk? A: The Salad Bar. Q: Where do otters come from? A: Otter space. Q: Where do polar bears vote? A: The North Poll. Q: Where do you get virgin wool from? A: Ugly sheep. Q: Where do young dogs sleep when they camp out? A: In pup tents. Q: Where does a bird go when it loses its tail? A: The retail store. Q: Where does a one-armed man shop? A: At a second hand store. Q: Where does satisfaction come from? A: A satisfactory. Q: Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage? A: Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!! Q: Which day of the week is the best for a dental appointment? A: Toothday. Q: Which side of a dog has the most hair? A: The out-side. Q: Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? A: They all have phones. Q: can't a woman ask her brother for help? A: Because he can't be a brother and assist her too. Q: Why did Robin Hood rob only the rich? A: Because the poor had no money. Q: Why did the bald man put a bunny on his head? A: He wanted a full head of hare. Q: Why did the big moron fall off the roof and the little moron didn't? A: Because he was a little more on. Q: Why did the bunnies go on strike? A: They wanted a raise in celery. Q: Why did the cannibal rush over to the cafeteria? A: He heard children were half price. Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To prove to the opossum it could be done. Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Because there were no chickens in those times. Q: Why did the garbage look sad? A: Because it was down in the dumps. Q: Why did the hubcap fall asleep? A: Because it was tired. Q: Why did the Indian wear a wig? A: To keep his wigwam. Q: Why did the man put wheels on his rocking chair? A: He wanted to rock and roll. Q: Why did the pig cross the road? A: Because he was a road hog. Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A: To get to the Shell station! Q: Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test? A: To see if she was his type. Q: Why did Willie Nelson get hit by a car? A: He was playing on the road again. Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: They're trying to get away from the noise. Q: Why do bicycles fall over? A: Because they are two-tired. Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter? A: Because it's too far to walk. Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter? A: It's quicker than driving. Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Because their horns don't work. Q: Why do elephants trumpet? A: They don't know how to play the violin. Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: Because they have big fingers. Q: Why do Jewish husbands die before their wives? A: Because they want to. Q: Why does a turtle live in a shell? A: Because it can't afford an apartment. Q: Why don't fish play tennis? A: They might get caught in the net. Q: Why was six afraid of seven? A: Because seven eight nine! Q: Why were there screams coming from the kitchen ? A: The cook was beating the eggs.