THE Y2K SURVIVAL GUIDE
Tips to help you prepare for the upcoming Apocalypse . . .

Tip #1 - Since the world's financial records will be erased
by January 1, 2000, New Year's Eve is a good time to go on a
shopping spree for those big-ticket items you've been saving
up for -- like jet skis, furs, diamonds, and SUVs. 

Tip #2 - In times of national crisis, Wal-Mart or Target
superstores can quickly be converted to workable bunkers by
a competent team of soldiers. Check-out lines serve as
defensible barricades, and snack aisles will supply enough
food and water to see a small squad of 5-6 soldiers through a 
week-long crisis. Make sure to bring a repeating automatic
weapon to clear civilians out of the store, or remember to
purchase one in the store ahead of  time if you've forgotten.

Tip #3 - Convert all assets into collectible Pokémon trading
cards, which will most likely be the currency when civilization
emerges from the ashes.  (Anyone already invested heavily in
Beanie Babies or Furby dolls will take a hit on the market,
but will probably be solvent with good interest rates.)

Tip #4 - Identify all neighborhood cars which will be unmanned
in case of rapture.  Plan your travel routes to avoid these
vehicles on January 1st.

Tip #5 - Since your computer will no doubt be converted to an
expensive paperweight on New Year's Day, spend December 31st
getting in as many last games of Quake II and Elf Bowling as
possible.

Tip #6 - If you owe any money to credit cards or loaning
institutions, make sure to keep careful written records of
your debt. This way, when a stone-age civilization emerges
from the ashes of our present society, you can report to the
remnants of these institutions to reestablish your appropriate
debt.

Tip #7 - Whatever happens on January 1st -- should the seas be
as blood and o'erspill the land, should the skies open up and
rain fire down on the Unrighteous, should the Beast of Reheboeweth
gnash the bones of the wretched in his massive jaws, should
the prophecies of Nostradamus appear true -- above all, do not
panic.

Tip #8 - Avoid being surprised by a computer crash on January
1st -- destroy your computer now.

Tip #9 - Since most government records, including social security
data and driving information, will revert to the year 1900 by
mistake on January 1st, make sure to register your horse-drawn
carriage with the local constable.  And visit the local apothecary
for a Yellow Fever vaccination as soon as possible.

Tip #10 - Refrain from using the phone on January 1st or after,
as the electric companies may need to use phone lines to shunt
excess electric current through the system.

Tip #11 - Refrain from using any electricity on January 1st or
after, as phone companies may need to use electric power lines
to reroute calls.

Tip #12 - Refrain from watching the USA, UPN, and Fox networks
on January 1st  or after, as the advance media buzz reveals that
their shows are likely to be  just as bad then as they were in
the old century.

Tip #13 - Since after January 1st we will all be living in a
futuristic society with rocket-cars, personal robots to do all
hard labor, and a moneyless society, destroy all remaining
"20th-century-style" money now.

Tip #14 - Begin worrying about Y2.1K bug.

Tip #15 - Since most numbers will be erased from computer systems
after January 1st, take the time to write down copies of all known
Arabic numbers for reference later.

Tip #16 - PC Users: Commit the contents of your Windows 98 system
registry to memory in order to restore all settings after the crash.

Tip #17 - MAC Users: Learn to rebuild a desktop from simple,
hand-operated woodworking tools.

Tip #18 - Refamiliarize self with old-fashioned "vocal" method of 
communicating with fellow human beings, as Instant Messaging and
Email may be  down for some time.

Tip #19 - Make sure that any elective surgery you schedule after
January 1st can be performed manually by your physician without
any electronic aid, and potentially in a dark room filled with
screaming people.

Tip #20 - Barricade door to secure property against massive throngs
of teenagers who will now have lots of extra time on their hands.