Ten Signs You're Being Stalked By Martha Stewart


1. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine
   with pinking shears, and they are all the same size, the same font
   and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

2. That tell-tale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

3. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like
   your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout
   and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

4. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon,
   rose petal and saffron demi-glaze, with pecan crusted hearts of palm
   and a delicate mint fennel sauce.
   
5. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you
   leave the bathroom.
   
6. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded into a
   swan.

7. No matter where you eat, your place setting includes an oyster fork.

8. Twice this week you have been a victim of a drive-by doilying.

9. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in
   every orifice.

10. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your
    temple.