Words to Live by: 


- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

- He who hesitates is probably right.

- No one is listening until you make a mistake.

- Success always occurs in private, and failure always occurs in full view.

- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

- Two wrongs are only the beginning.

- Monday is an awful way to spend 14.3% of your life.

- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

- The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train.

- If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning. 

- It's always darkest before the bottom falls out.

- Behind every gray cloud, there's a black lining.

- Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days
  you're the statue.

- I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
  Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and
  I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape
  key.

- Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

- There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved
  through a suitable application of high explosives.

- Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

- Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete
  than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer
  to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
  planning to reduce the time it takes.

- I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.

- Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should
  both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

- People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them
  that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

- I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

- Indecision is the key to flexibility.

- In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

- I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

- I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

- My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

- I am having an out of money experience.

- I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

- Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.

- A day without sunshine is like night.

- I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for
  it.

- If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.