You Might Be A Redneck If.... 



- You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

- You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter. 

- Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. 

- Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 

- You burn your yard rather than mow it. 

- You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. 

- The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 

- Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor
  to spare a loved one. 

- You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't
  want it. 

- You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 

- You come back from the dump with more than you took. 

- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 

- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 

- Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. 

- You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. 

- You've bathed with flea and tick soap. 

- You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 

- Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. 

- You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture. 

- You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 

- You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 

- You have a rag for a gas cap. 

- You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic. 

- Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas
  dinner. 

- Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. 

- You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 

- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 

- Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him
  take the wheels off. 

- Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 

- You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table. 

- Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings
  you home. 

- A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of 
  improvement. 

- You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. 

- You prefer car keys to q-tips.

- Directions to your house include "Turn off paved road."

- You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.

- You cut your grass and find a car.

- You think the stock market has a fence around it.

- You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

- Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-In theater.

- Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

- You sometimes rake leaves in your kitchen.

- Birds are attracted to your beard.

- Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

- You were shooting pool when your kids were born.

- Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."

- You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

- You've given rat traps as gifts.

- You clean your fingernails with a stick.

- Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

- You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

- There are McDonald's bags in your car.

- The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

- The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

- You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

- You think taking out the trash means taking your in-laws out.

- You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

- The dog catcher calls for backup when visiting your house.

- People hear your car a long time before they see it.

- The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

- You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

- You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.

- You think French Riviera is a foreign car.

- You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

- You've lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

- Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.

- Your wife's hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan.

- You see no need to stop at a rest stop.

- Your fifth grade was your senior year.

- The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

- You have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.

- You have bar-b-que Spam on the grill.