A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 news. The current newsstory was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station cuts to a commercial. Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump. Blonde: OK. (back to newscast) He jumps. Blonde: OK Here's my $20. Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it. Blonde: I insist. I lost. Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00 news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet. Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice. ===== There was a woman named Candi. She had long, blond hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blond jokes. One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. With her new car, she went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the shepherd over. "That's a nice flock of sheep," she said. "Well, thank you," said the herder. "Tell you what... I have a proposition for you," said the woman. "Okay," replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" asked the woman. "Sure." So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382." "Wow," said the herder, "that's amazing. You're exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman picked an animal and put it in her car. The herder watched this and then said to her, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you." "What's that?" she asked. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?" ===== A blonde woman is driving along a country road out in rolling hills of the midwest when she sees some movement off in the distance. As she gets closer, she realizes that it is another blonde woman in a rowboat in the middle of a field rowing the boat like crazy. She stops her car at the side of the road and gets out. She yells out to the blonde in the rowboat, "What the hell are you doing?" The blonde in the boat, obviously flustered, yells back, "I have got to hurry up and get home in time for dinner or I will be in real trouble!" The blonde at the side of the road is aggravated. "I can't believe this! You are out in the middle of a field in a row boat! It is blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! In fact, if I could swim, I would swim out there and kick your butt!" ===== Q: What do you call a dead blond in a closet? A: The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion. Q: What do you call a smart blond? A: A golden retriever. Q: How does a blond kill a fish? A: She drowns it. Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell.... she's got a hand grenade in her mouth. [ed. note: Could this be a recycled Polish Joke? I haven't seen too many bubbly blonde bimbos storming beachheads] Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought. Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for two hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for three and a half days? A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125. Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? A: She heard that the drinks were on the house. Q: What's the difference between Elvis and smart blondes? A: Elvis has been sighted. Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine? A: She peed on her corn flakes. Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: She turned it over and used the other side. Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her. Q: How does a blonde high-5? A: She smacks herself in the forehead. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: She kept throwing out all the "W"s Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England? A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock. Q: Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank? A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard. Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Blondes screw in back seats, not in lightbulbs, silly. Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A: There's writing on the white-out. Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde? A: The prostitute says "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says "Are you done already?" The blonde says "Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." Q. How do you keep your blonde secretary occupied? A. Give her a bag of M&M's and tell her to alphabetize them. Q: Why do all blondes have a dimple in their chin and a flat forehead? A: Finger on chin- "I don't know". Hits forehead- "Oh I get it!" Q: Why did the Blonde have a bruised belly-button? A: Her boyfriend was blonde, too. Q: Why do Blondes take the pill? A: So they know what day of the week it is. Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. BLONDE #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" BLONDE #2: "No, who wrote it?" Q: Why do blondes like lightning? A: They think someone is taking their picture. Q: Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid? A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little envelope. Q: What do you call it when a blonde drives down the street with her head out the window? A: Refueling. Q: Why can't blondes take coffee breaks? A: They're too hard to retrain. Q: Why can't blondes be pharmacists? A: They can't get the bottle in the typewriter. Q: What's the definition of eternity? A: Four blondes at a Four-way stop. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? A: An air pocket. Q: What to you call a basement full of blondes? A: A whine cellar. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!" Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts? A: This Goes In Front. Q. Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A. Toes go in first. Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night. Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? A: They drowned in Spring training. Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? A: "Look! they spelled MACYs wrong." Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday. Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow stepped on her. Q: How did the blonde burn her nose? A: Bobbing for French fries. Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: They are easier to amuse. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A: Frosted flakes. Q: What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes? A: The back of her head. Q: What do you call 4 blondes in a Volkswagen? A: Far-from-thinkin'. Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammer. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A: She missed. Q: What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear? A: Data transfer. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A: "I wonder if it's mine?" Q: Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. ===== A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T." The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?" The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday." ===== Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks!" They argued for quite awhile, in fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them. ===== A blonde went in to the hairdresser to get her haircut. She was wearing headphones. When the hairdresser asked her to remove them, she told them she couldn't. The hairdresser told her she would have to take them off in order to get a good haircut and she said, "I can't. The doctor said if I take them off I will die." So the hairdresser proceeded to cut her hair with the headphones on. In the process, she accidentally knocked them off and the lady fell over dead. They were startled and couldn't figure out why that would have happened. They picked up the headphones to listen and heard a voice saying, "Breathe in-breathe out, breathe in-breathe out." ===== A stewardess encountered a blonde sitting in the first class section with a business class ticket. She told her she would not be able to sit in that section but the blonde refused to move. She said, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York and you can't make me move." The stewardess went to the head steward who went to the lady and again asked her to move because she was sitting in the first class section and didn't belong there. Again the lady said, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York and you can't make me move." Finally, in exasperation they went to the pilot and explained the situation. He replied, "Oh, I can take care of that. My wife is a blonde." He went back and whispered to the lady and she immediately got up and walked back to the business section. The others were curious as to why she responded so fast to him and asked for an explanation. The pilot said, "Oh, it was simple. I just told her that the first class section wasn't going to New York." ===== Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down." ===== A blonde is over at this Coke Machine putting fifty cents in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets. After a while she has a coke in every pocket. She keeps going, stacking the cokes around her on the floor. Finally, the guy behind her, getting pissed off, asks her, "What the HECK are you doing?!" She responds, "Duh, I'm winning." ===== A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!" ===== A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms." =====