jokes Two variations of the ol' Doe, a deer, song: Dos, a beer, a mexican beer Ray, the guy behind the bar Me, the one I buy beer for Far, the distance to the bar So, I wanna have a beer La, la la la la la beer Tea, I'd rather have a beer and that brings us back to Dos Dos Dos Dos and Dough, I need to buy some beer Ray, the bloke who sells the beer Me, the one who drinks the beer Far, the distance to the loo So, I'll have another beer La, I'll have another beer Tea, no thanks, I'm having beer and that brings us back to Dough. ---------------------- "Without my father, I wouldn't be here today." -- Mike Diamond, Australia's first gold medallist at Atlanta: Heard on WBZ AM Radio in Boston: Bruce Walker, nose tackle for the New England Patriots, recently received 5 stitches for a stab wound to his chest. Apparently Walker was playing catch with a steak knife in a super market parking lot with a friend ... and missed the knife. Some friends and I were watching the floor execersize competition on TV, and the gymnast was almost done with his routine. The announcer said "all he has left is his dismount..." My question: "How do you dismount the floor?" ---------------------- This just in from sources unknown: My uncle (60ish) has the most wonderful telephone manners, even with telemarketers. Once we were having dinner and the phone rang; he picked it up and, after a long time listening to some sales pitch, said sweetly: "Sorry, my parents are not home". ---------------------- Never see your Proctologist on the same day you judge a chili-cookoff contest. My wife is incredibly immature. Tell me if you don't think this is immature - she'll come into the bathroom when I'm in the tub, just barge right in, sink all of my boats... We were so poor when we were kids, we couldn't afford gray. We had to wear black and white checks and stand back. Glidden has a new paint color......blonde. Not too bright, but it spreads easy. A computer scientist is someone who, when told to "Go to Hell," sees the "go to," rather than the destination, as harmful. Isn't it cruel that "dyslexia" is so hard to spell? A dyslexic will often write the letters in a word in the wrong order. So, if he wants to write about his dyslexia, it might come out as "Ever since I was a child I've had daily sex." Today has been one of those days, I put on my shirt, and a button fell off; then I picked up my brief case and the handle fell off.... Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. He who lives in glass house should not invite in he who is without sin. "Grad school is the snooze button on the alarm clock of life." While attending a recent baseball game with my 7-year old daughter, she asked me how many people I thought were there. I replied "About 27,000". She looked around for a moment, then turned to me and asked, "Are you counting yourself?" Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital room. One leans over to the other and say what are you in here for. The other says "circumsision". The first boy says "Oh, I had that done right after I was born .... I couldn't walk for a year." Did you hear about the guy the other day who got arrested for necrophillia? However he got himself a good lawyer who had the charges reduced to disturbing the peace... Watching the SuperBowl pre-game, the camera cut to the Patriot's coach looking very concerned - to which John Madden commented: "Oh, if faces could only talk....!" I just joined a support group called White Guys Without Girlfriends. Well, actually, I went to a hockey game. Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar. Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef. Q: What's this? (hold arms straight out from your sides.) A: Hell of a way to spend easter vacation. A: Professional dancing is nowhere near as popular as it once was. B: Yes, it's a sad fate of Astaires! Q: What is the difference between the National Guard and the Boy Scouts? A: Boy Scouts have adult supervision. Q: Why do lawyers always wear neckties? A: It keeps the foreskins from coming up over their heads. Q: What is "BOSS" spelled backwards? A: Double S.O.B. Q: What's the last words of every redneck? A: "Hey Bubba, watch me do this!" One snake to another: -- Listen, are we poisonous? -- Yeah, very poisonous, why are you asking? -- Bummer... I bit my tongue. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it. There will always be garbage on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" No matter how much you do, you never do enough. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. ===== "I'm off looking for adventure, excitement, wild beautiful women," cried the young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. I'm on my way !" "Who's trying to stop ya ?" shouted the Father, "Take me along !" - - - - - The patient was berating the doctor for an extremely large medical bill not covered by his medical plan during a recent hospitalization. "My dear fellow," said the doctor, "Let me assure you. If you only knew what a very interesting case yours was, and how strongly and often I was tempted to let it proceed to a post-mortem, you wouldn't complain at a bill three times that large. - - - - - Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college. After he graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be married anytime soon. She looked at me with a big smile and said, "Oh no, not right away. I want him to practice for at least six months first." - - - - - A Fellow walked into his Grandsons' bedroom and found them both busy studying at their desks. The first boy was reading a book on aviation. "What do you want to be when you grow up ?" asked the Grandfather, looking at the boy intently staring at the latest in military jets. "I want to go to the Naval Academy, GrandPa; then try to get into Naval aviation. I've always dreamed of being a pilot. The Grandfather walked over to the other boy was studying one of his Father's "PlayBoy" magazines just as intently as his brother was the book on aviation. "And you Jimmy, what do you want to be when you grow up ?" asked the Grandfather a little hesitantly. "Nothing sir," the boy said wistfully, "just grown up." ----------------------- A man is going to work one day and accidentally slams his penis in the car door. Goes to the doctor, and the doctor says, "We're going to have to put a splint on that." The guy says, "No way Doc, I'm getting married in a week." The Doc replies, "Well if we don't, it's going to be bent for the rest of your life." Finally the guy agrees, and the doctor gets out a couple of tongue depressors and some tape and fixes him up. ...A week later, and he's on his honeymoon... His new wife is doing a slow, seductive strip-tease in front of him. She takes off her bra and says, "See these? They've never been touched by a man before." She then takes off her panties and says, "See this? It's never been seen by a man before." So the husband whips off his shorts and says, "See this? It's not even out of the crate yet!" ----------------------- While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard. "Sand," said the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" "Bicycles!" ----------------------- There were these three friends out for a night on the town lurched into their favorite saloon after many hours of bar hopping. After downing several more nightcaps, one suggested they tell one another something they'd never told anyone else. "OK," said one of his friends, "you first." "All right," he said, clearing his throat. "I've never told anyone I'm gay." When he recovered from the shock, the second fellow confessed, "I'm having a steamy affair with my boss' wife." "Well," the third began, "I don't know how to say this..." "Oh, go on," his pals chorused. "Don't be embarrassed." "Well...I can't keep a secret." ----------------------- A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The women rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me! she told him earnestly. "Ummph,oooh,nnooo, I'll be all right... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side. She loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." ----------------------- A father and his young son are in a grocery store when they happen upon the aisle which has condoms. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night. The son then asks his father, well what's the 6 pack for? The father replies, well that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning. Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March...... ====================== Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A: A different bar. Q: What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby? A: Sum Ting Wong. Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? A: They're hiring. Q: Why aren't there any Mexicans Star Trek? A: Because they're not going to be working in the future, either. Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? A: He walks around saying, "Yo" Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A: A pimp. Q: Why do drivers ed classes in Alabama use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Q: What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck? A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! Q: What's the Cuban national anthem? A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...", and a southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."